148th entry. For this entry. I'm going to say something very emotional... i know it don't usually come out from my mind but come to think of it, which human being actually don't thought of that.? So, here it goes..

I hate my life.. i hate the way i spend my life.. i wanna leave the place but i couldn't. Responsiblity were there and many many factors that pull me back.. And why am i living in such a misery.? A moment of sweetness, a moment of loves... but everything end up to be nothing... i am still stucked at square 1.
Exams Exams Examsss How long do i need to get rid of everything!! I hate working part time.. i hate going to school and then to work... how i wish i can finish this course and get my cert and F**K off the school...

I miss scouting.. i miss camps.. i miss first aid duty throughout the nights.. i miss those time when i'm as dirty as a wild animals.. i miss those grass patch that i slept on, those tents that i sleep in.. i miss those moments when i tell myself- i belongs to The FoxScout Grp.! How much time have i spend in scouting... i miss them all.. I look at alot of my seniors.. how many actually lasted their passion of scouting till today... everyone left.. one by one... how i wish time stops everytime when im enjoying it...
Beside scouting, i know i miss u... those time we had together.. those laughter and jokes we used to have.. the friendship we used to hold.. but everything seem to come to a stop ever since the movie... is that really a wrong step to take or are we fated to be like this..
And beside all this, i know i miss being in love.. i know it is freak pathetic for me to post this out.. but who don't...Sometime i tot back, why would i have a failed relationship when i already know so much of a person?.. I came to know that recently.. Yes, i may know the inside-out of the person.. but how much am i willing to give in and how much more do she needs.... Relationship is something i missed but something i am so afraid of... like what i told Joel, Commitment may be vital for a relationship.. but financial wise is something no less important.... It makes one feel so useless when u cannot at all provides even more for the one u love...

I feeling lousy.. i feeling bad.. but i know, i still need to be in the life i am in now.. I finding ways to get rid of all the troubles... But i got one big question.. who will spend this xmas eve with me... and who will be there to fullfill my wish... santa claus, can i have a present for this christmas?- a kiss.... Many thanks...

d3ch3ngx-